Cathartic Letters for Grief
A Cathartic Letter for Grief is a highly effective way of processing and coming to terms with loss, whether it be due to the death of a person, the loss of a pet, or the end of a romantic or platonic relationship.
A cathartic letter for grief is a letter you write addressed directly to the person (or pet) in question as if they are going to read it. In the letter, you need to “round the bases”, which means you have to include one paragraph for every emotion you can think of. Usually, the main emotions you need to include are happiness, sadness, anger, and guilt. Depending on the situation, you may also include a paragraph for relief, jealously, or any other major emotion you can think of. In each paragraph, you have to “go overboard” which means you need to really play up the emotion. The happy paragraph should talk about all of the things you are grateful for, the sad paragraph should include that you will “never get over it”, the angry paragraph should really lay into them, and the guilty paragraph should include every way you failed them. Once you are done writing the letter, you don’t necessarily need to do anything with it. Some people print it out, some people burn it, some people delete it. Writing it is the important and cathartic thing.
How does it work?
"Cathartic" means “providing psychological relief through the open expression of strong emotions”. Interestingly enough, emotions do not necessarily need to be received in order to count as being “openly expressed”. Just writing your emotions on paper (“as if” the recipient will read it) is enough. The key behind Cathartic Letters (and all exposure-based techniques) is that voluntarily feeling emotions is what helps process them.
Where does the idea for Cathartic Letter for Grief come from?
The idea for a cathartic letter for grief comes from studies on the grieving process. If you look at a funeral, some people are crying, some people are numb (have no expression on their face), and some people are almost inappropriately chipper (it seems weird that they are in such a good mood when a relative has died). What the studies have shown is that people who are crying at a funeral are much more likely to have a healthy grieving response. They feel sad for several weeks or months, but then they are able to control whether or not they are thinking about the person and they are able to remember the person’s life without just thinking about the way that they died. The people who are numb or happy at a funeral are much more likely to be depressed or anxious six months later and the depression and anxiety last longer than the mourning period would of and it’s confusing. They change jobs, move cities, break up with their significant other. They’ve lost track of what caused the emotion. It sort of like there’s a certain amount of pain you are supposed to feel at the end of a relationship and it’s in your interest to feel that pain upfront for the right reason, otherwise it takes longer to process and it’s confusing. The point of a cathartic letter for grief is to make sure you feel everything you need to feel. The letter can be written in anticipation of a loss or after the loss of a relationship. It can also be done several times, whenever you feel like you need to communicate with the one you lost.
Write a letter addressed directly to a person (or pet) who you have lost (either due to death or the end of a relationship). In that letter, include one paragraph for every emotion you can think of, including sadness, happiness, anger, and guilt.
OK. I tried it!
What happened?
If you were unable to generate any intense emotions while you were writing the letter, or if you now just feel worse, then, unfortunately, this technique is probably the wrong fit for you. Also, if you are unable to get started writing the letter, or unable to finish writing the letter despite multiple tries, then this is probably the wrong fit for you.
If you were able to feel at least one emotion significantly while writing the letter, and now feel some sense of relief, closure, or peace, then this technique was a good fit for you.
When should I write Cathartic Letters for Grief?
Generally speaking, if you found this technique to be helpful, then it is a good idea to write a Cathartic Letter for Grief whenever a relative or somebody close to you passes away. It is also often useful to write one after the loss of a pet, or the end of a relationship (whether romantic or otherwise).
Many people eventually write more than one Cathartic Letter for Grief to process a particular loss. You may find that each letter tends to emphasize a different emotion. Write one whenever the person (or animal) you lost starts to come to mind again whether in dreams or fantasies during the day. That usually is a good sign that there is more to be processed.
A Cathartic Letter for Grief is even useful month, years, or decades after a loss. If you suspect that a significant loss is still affecting you, or, if just the thought of writing a Cathartic Letter for Grief produces a significant emotion now, then that is probably a sign that the letter would be useful now.