Emotion Validation
This is the technique I use when people are mad at me. It is also effective in calming people down when they are mad at a third party.
The basic structure of Emotion Validation is as follows:
“I can see why X behavior would make you feel Y emotion”
So, if you said to me “I’m mad that you are late”, I will almost always reply with something along the lines of “I can see why me being late would make you feel mad.”
Using People's Exact Words
It’s best to use people’s exact words whenever possible. Otherwise, they will accuse you of putting words in their mouth. For example, if you said “I’m angry that you made fun of me” and I replied “I can see why you are sad because you are too sensitive to take a joke”, it won’t calm you. Instead, I should say, “I can see why making fun of you made you feel angry.”
The point of Emotion Validation is to make sure the other person feels heard. That is the quickest way to calm them down. When people are emotional, they are like broken records. They will keep repeating themselves until they know they have been heard. Then, and only then, will they be willing to listen. In other words, validating people’s emotions is what prepares them to listen. It also disarms them in the sense that they can’t really repeat their point. You already gave it to them!
But what if I am falsely accused?
The wording of emotion validation is important (“I can see why X behavior would make you feel Y emotion”) because, that way, I can use the same phrasing even if I am falsely accused. You can say, “Dr. K, I’m mad that you’re an alien” and I can reply “I can see why me being an alien would make you feel mad.” After you reply, “Thanks for understanding”, then I can say “But, just to clarify, here is all the evidence that I’m actually a human.”
After you validate someone’s emotions, you should pause and wait for them to reply. That way, you are sure they heard you. If you launch immediately into an explanation, a defense, or a counterattack, they won’t remember that you validated them, and, as a result, they won’t feel heard.
What if I forget to use Emotion Validation?
If you forget to validate someone's emotions in the moment (or simply refuse to do it because you are too angry), it still works well if you do it later. Once you are calm, and when you want to repair the relationships, validate their position first (rather than repeating your side of the argument). It is still effective even years after the fact. It can also be done over text or email, which is often easier and less confrontational for both parties.
Emotion Validation is also the most effective way to calm someone down if they are mad at a third party. If someone says, “I am mad at Sally because of XYZ,” your best response is “I can see why XYZ would make you feel mad at Sally.” Any other reply, such as advice-giving, counter-examples, logic, or reality-testing will actually make them hang on to and defend their emotions more. In contrast, once they know that they have been heard, they will often let go of the emotion themselves, “Well, I guess Sally didn’t know any better.”
When should I use Emotion Validation?
Use Emotion Validation whenever someone is mad at you, or mad at a third party. A good clue that you need to use (or switch to) Emotion Validation is if someone is repeating themselves in an argument. Chances are that one, or both, of you is being defensive, over-using logic, or advice-giving. Try Emotion Validation instead.