Sadness And Anger Exposures
With these techniques, you will try to use sadness and anger in order to decrease anxiety.
In order to introduce this concept, I’ll first describe how I use these techniques. Imagine anxiety being from a zero to a ten, with zero being totally calm and ten being the most anxious you’ve ever felt. For me, personally, if my anxiety is really high - like a seven, eight, nine, ten – it’s kind of easy. I just pick whatever is already on my mind, and I do a Sentence Exposure, and I’ll get the curve I’m looking for. The anxiety goes up, but then, within a few minutes, it goes down and I feel a lot of relief. But if I’m walking around with baseline anxiety – a three, four, five – feeling kind of cranky, out of it – I’ll try the Sentence Exposures but they don’t always work. Sometimes they feel forced or artificial: “I’m going to mess up?” “I suck?” “Nobody likes me?”. I don’t get more anxious, I don’t get less anxious. They really don’t move the needle one way or another. However, when I’m in those situations, if I say I feel sad – “I’m sad, I’m sad, I’m sad” – I’ll almost always find something to feel sad about, and I’ll get the curve I’m looking for. The sadness goes up, but then within a few minutes, it goes down. And what’s interesting is when the sadness is gone, the anxiety is gone too. So, it’s kind of like I’m using sadness to get rid of anxiety. For many of my patients, anger works better, so we’ll try both.
How do Sadness and Anger Exposures work to decrease anxiety?
Sadness and Anger Exposures usually work in one of two ways: They either help you find any sadness and anger that you were avoiding, or the sadness and anger are themselves are directly calming.
Sometimes, when I do a sadness exposure, it’s clear that there was something that I needed to feel sad about that I was avoiding: I did something dumb or embarrassing, I made a huge mistake, or something sad was happening in my life or to someone who is close to me that I didn’t want to think about. In those cases, my anxiety was actually due to me avoiding the sadness. Once I felt the sadness, the anxiety went away.
Most of the time, though, it’s more that the sadness actually feels directly calming when I am anxious. Sadness is a very mellow emotion. It carries with it very much an acceptance vibe. In contrast, anxiety is the unknown: “Is this going to happen? Is that going to happen?” Sadness is definite: “No. No. I know what’s going to happen. It’s the bad case.” But, as a result, you are less anxious.
I have some patients where anger works better than sadness, but they describe a similar result. When they say “I’m mad, I’m mad, I’m mad,” it might make them realize that they are in fact mad at themselves, or a friend, or a family member or an employer. Once they stop avoiding the anger, the anxiety goes away. Other times, they tell me that the anger itself is very motivating. Anger carries with it very much an “I’m going to do something about this” vibe that helps push them out of the anxiety.
The following two experiments will help you find out if Sadness and Anger Exposures are helpful for you:
Sadness Exposure Experiment
For three minutes, close your eyes and repeat “I’m sad, I’m sad, I’m sad” (silently, in your head) and try to find something to feel sad about. When you find something, stay on that topic until it gets boring. Once you’re sure the sadness is gone (i.e. you can’t feel sad anymore or your mind starts to wander), pick another topic, then another, then another, until the three minutes are up. You might want to start with topics that normally make you feel anxious but look at them through a sad lens. If that doesn’t work, try any topic that you think will generate sadness.
What we are looking for is a good curve. The sadness goes up, but then within a few minutes, it goes down. Ok, try it now.
For three minutes, close your eyes, repeat “I’m sad, I’m sad, I’m sad” (silently, in your head) and try to find something to feel sad about.
OK. I tried it!
What did you notice?
If the sadness never went up, then this is probably the wrong technique for you. Also, if the sadness went up but never came down, then again, this technique is probably is the wrong fit. What we’re looking for is a nice curve. The sadness goes up, but then, within a few minutes, it goes down. You should feel relieved and calmer now if this is a good technique for you.
Anger Exposure Experiment
Now, let’s try the same thing with anger. For three minutes close your eyes are silently repeat “I’m mad, I’m mad, I’m mad” or “I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry” and try to find something to feel mad about. When you find something, stay on that topic until it gets boring (i.e. the anger is gone, your mind starts to wander etc). Then pick another topic, and another, and another until the three minutes are up. Start with topics that normally make you feel anxious, but try to look at them through an angry lens. If that doesn’t work, try any topic that makes you mad. As with sadness exposures, we are looking for a nice curve: the emotion goes up, but then, within a few minutes, it goes down. Your mind starts to wander, it gets boring, the anger goes away.
For three minutes, close your eyes, repeat “I’m mad, I’m mad, I’m mad” or “I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry” (silently, in your head) and try to find something to feel mad about.
OK. I tried it!
What did you notice?
If the anger never went up, then this is probably the wrong technique for you. Also, if the anger went up but never went down, then again, this technique is the wrong fit. What we’re looking for is a nice curve. The anger goes up, but then, within a few minutes, it goes down. You should feel immediate relief and you should feel calmer right now. Those are the signs that this is a good technique for you.
When should I use Sadness and Anger Exposures?
If either of these two techniques worked for you then, for the next three days, I want you to try the technique (or both of them) for three minutes a day. Most people do it as they are falling asleep because they find it makes them tired and actually puts them to sleep.
Once you have some practice, I then want you to try a sadness or anger exposure when you are anxious.
One way to think about it: when you are anxious, try a Sentence or Sensation Exposure first. If that doesn’t work, try anger. If that doesn’t work, try sadness. The “correct” emotion is the one that brings your relief relatively quickly, within a few minutes.