Neapolitan Assertiveness
My favorite way to resolve mutual disputes is through a combination of Emotion Validation and Assertiveness which I call Neapolitan Assertiveness. Like Neapolitan ice cream, it has three parts:
1. Validate their emotions. 2. Be assertive. 3. Validate their emotions again and/or say something nice.
If we accuse each other of being late and the argument goes badly, the next day I will send you an email with three paragraphs (or I will send you three texts in rapid succession). I will start by validating your emotions: “I can see why you are mad that I am always late, and why you would feel relieved if I showed up on time.” The second paragraph (or text) will be assertive: “I also get concerned when you are late, and would also feel relieved if you showed up on time”. The third paragraph will validate their emotions again and/or say something nice: “Again, I can see why you are mad that I am always late. I really value our friendships and am looking forward to your reply.”
The fact that you open by validating their emotions almost always catches people off-guard. It wins a person's respect. It also prepares them to listen to what you have to say. If you lead with anything else, they literally won't read it fully (i.e. they will skim it). Once people have been heard, only then will they be willing to listen.
I love doing this over text or email because I can make sure I do it right, and also because it looks great if they show it to other people and/or when they read it again themselves later.
When should I use Neapolitan Assertiveness?
Use Neapolitan Assertiveness whenever you are in a mutual dispute (i.e. whenever you and another person are mad at each other).
More often than not, Assertiveness quickly leads to Neapolitan Assertiveness. When you are Assertive with someone, they will often counterattack immediately by pointing out something that you did wrong. In that case, do not just repeat your Assertiveness. Instead, validate their emotions (so that they will feel heard and, therefore, be prepared to listen), then repeat your Assertiveness, then validate again and/or be nice to them.